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Keeping Your Cool

Did you take the test in “What’s Your EQ?” If so, you came up with a score somewhere between 5 and 25. The higher your score, the more likely you are to keep your cool in difficult situations.

As you probably know, however, self-control is highly variable, easier to maintain at some times than others. When you react angrily to incidents such as those in the test, chances are that most of that anger is misdirected. It has been lurking beneath the surface just looking for an excuse to burst out.

Often misdirected anger means you’re really upset with yourself. If that’s the case, keep in mind that there are some things you can do to stay on more friendly terms with the one person you can never get away from. Some examples:

• If you’re feeling overwhelmed by a “to do” list, identify the items that weigh the most heavily on your mind. Tackle and complete one of them. You’ll be surprised by the salutary effect that taking action has on your outlook on life.
• If you’re feeling anxious because you have a decision to make and you’re torn between two (or more) options, chances are that part of the trouble has to do with the unknowable consequences of each choice. Sit down with a pad and paper. Under each option, write the worst possible (though not necessarily likely) outcome of that choice. Think about how you would handle unwanted results. Next, write down the best possible consequence. Now that you’ve identified specifics, which option looks best to you? Give yourself time to think it through. Once you’ve made a decision, however, focus on the most positive possible outcome and release the negative. You’ll move in the direction of your thoughts.
• If you feel you’ve allowed yourself to be trampled on, disregarded, or marginalized by those important to you, think through what, exactly, brought this feeling on. What do you need to say to the offender in order to feel heard and considered? Plan the place and time you’ll bring the matter up, collect your courage, and approach the culprit with all the calm you can muster. Once you establish your boundaries and make them known to others, you’ll feel more whole and have more respect for yourself.

There are, of course, an infinite number of stressors in our lives—overwork, strained finances, ill health, concern about family members, just to name a few. The key to keeping your cool is the same in every instance. It boils down to this: Do something. Think it through first, but do something. Action gives you a sense of control, and that relieves stress.

Now hear this: We’ve all been faced with situations which fill us with concern, but which are truly beyond our control: a loved one sent to a war zone, for instance, or retirement funds hammered by unseen forces. Sometimes, the worry seems unbearable. And sometimes, it is. About all you can do then is to give yourself permission to let the worry go. Easier said than done. Here’s Plan B: Set aside 15 minutes a day to worry as hard as you can; that leaves you 1,425 minutes to get on with your life. This doesn’t mean you stop caring; it means you recognize you have to care for yourself in order to keep your cool and help those around you keep theirs.

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