Literature Alive

I once worked with a client who, between sessions, did much of her own therapeutic work in darkened movie theaters. There, she identified with characters, related incidents on screen to her own painful past, and experienced a kind of catharsis that eluded her in everyday life. Afterwards, we would weave what she had seen into a deeper understanding of the losses in her life.

While stage plays and films often trigger powerful emotions, literature—which may do that as well—sometimes startles us by opening us to understanding and empathy in unexpected ways. We come away from such books with a more profound understanding, a greater appreciation, and, yes, more depth of feeling for the real people in our lives after we’ve been immersed in lives of fiction.

Especially now, with families scattered, technological distractions so pervasive, attention spans diminished, how often do loved ones pass on before we truly know their stories? It’s nobody’s fault. It just is.

Colum McCann, author of a forthcoming novel, Let the Great World Spin, has written movingly about connecting with a grandfather he barely knew as he read James Joyce’s Ulysses. Writing of this experience in an Op-Ed piece in the New York Times, he said, “The messy layers of human experience get pulled together, and sometimes ordered, by words.”

And that’s the truth as I know it.

July 24, 2009 | Filed Under family, memories, relationships | Leave a Comment

Keeping Your Cool

Did you take the test in “What’s Your EQ?” If so, you came up with a score somewhere between 5 and 25. The higher your score, the more likely you are to keep your cool in difficult situations.

As you probably know, however, self-control is highly variable, easier to maintain at some times than others. When you react angrily to incidents such as those in the test, chances are that most of that anger is misdirected. It has been lurking beneath the surface just looking for an excuse to burst out.

Often misdirected anger means you’re really upset with yourself. If that’s the case, keep in mind that there are some things you can do to stay on more friendly terms with the one person you can never get away from. Some examples:

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by a “to do” list, identify the items that weigh the most heavily on your mind. Tackle and complete one of them. You’ll be surprised by the salutary effect that taking action has on your outlook on life.
If you’re feeling anxious because you have a decision to make and you’re torn between two (or more) options, chances are that part of the trouble has to do with the unknowable consequences of each choice. Sit down with a pad and paper. Under each option, write the worst possible (though not necessarily likely) outcome of that choice. Think about how you would handle unwanted results. Next, write down the best possible consequence. Now that you’ve identified specifics, which option looks best to you? Give yourself time to think it through. Once you’ve made a decision, however, focus on the most positive possible outcome and release the negative. You’ll move in the direction of your thoughts.
If you feel you’ve allowed yourself to be trampled on, disregarded, or marginalized by those important to you, think through what, exactly, brought this feeling on. What do you need to say to the offender in order to feel heard and considered? Plan the place and time you’ll bring the matter up, collect your courage, and approach the culprit with all the calm you can muster. Once you establish your boundaries and make them known to others, you’ll feel more whole and have more respect for yourself.

There are, of course, an infinite number of stressors in our lives—overwork, strained finances, ill health, concern about family members, just to name a few. The key to keeping your cool is the same in every instance. It boils down to this: Do something. Think it through first, but do something. Action gives you a sense of control, and that relieves stress.

Now hear this: We’ve all been faced with situations which fill us with concern, but which are truly beyond our control: a loved one sent to a war zone, for instance, or retirement funds hammered by unseen forces. Sometimes, the worry seems unbearable. And sometimes, it is. About all you can do then is to give yourself permission to let the worry go. Easier said than done. Here’s Plan B: Set aside 15 minutes a day to worry as hard as you can; that leaves you 1,425 minutes to get on with your life. This doesn’t mean you stop caring; it means you recognize you have to care for yourself in order to keep your cool and help those around you keep theirs.

July 9, 2009 | Filed Under maturity, self improvement, stress | Leave a Comment

How’d You Do? Your EQ and You

If you haven’t already read and responded to “What’s Your EQ?” now is the time to do so. Then return to this piece to see what your responses may mean.

With a maximum of 5 points possible in each paired item, the coolest cats among you, the Barack Obamas of the bunch, could top out at 25. The dangerously loose cannons might skid in at a lowly 5.

Here’s what your responses might be saying about you:

A + A (5 points): You respond with grace, and that response springs genuinely from the core of who you are. It’s your customary modus operandi. It feels natural, comfortable, and productive and you gain satisfaction from the fact that you stayed in control and can expect a positive outcome as a result. Your satisfaction springs not from feeling you’ve won, but from feeling you’ve handled a situation positively.

A + B (4 points): You take the most productive course of action in a given situation, but you may not be happy about it. It doesn’t feel quite right, but you manage to keep your behavior under control. It may be difficult to feel calm because you regard your response as a sign of weakness. You probably have some work to do to recognize the boundaries between you and other people.

B + A (3 points): You’re a little edgy. What you do probably won’t escalate the situation, but it may not improve it much. You may really want to take more aggressive action, but know that will be counter-productive and are able to refrain from escalating the situation. Recognizing this, you’re able to let go of what you may, deep down, regard as an affront.

B + B (2 points): You’re dangerously close to making matters worse. Your response feels unnatural to you and you’re not able to drop it off your internal radar and go on. This response is hazardous to you because it may lessen your ability to deal productively with another trying incident if it occurs before you’ve calmed down.

C + A (1 point): Now you’re really in the danger zone. Choice C indicates you’ve selected an aggressive course of action which may push you and the precipitating culprit into a perilous confrontation, and that choice has helped you stay calm. This pattern, feeling calmer after a confrontation, is often found in those who are physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive.

C + B (1 point): If you select a belligerent course of action, but still feel angry, you obviously haven’t gained the satisfaction you want from your response. This indicates you’re willing to risk escalation in order to gain the satisfaction you need and are a danger to those around you. If you’re selecting option C, regardless of your following response (A or B), you have work to do on yourself. Therapy may help.

It’s important to remember that your responses to these questions are a snapshot of where you are right now and will be affected by everything else in your life at the moment. Only you can know whether they reflect your typical behavior or whether they’re affected by events, good or bad, that impinge on you at the moment.

Remember: It’s Not a Life Sentence. You can choose to change.

July 4, 2009 | Filed Under maturity, mental health, self improvement, stress | Leave a Comment

What’s Your EQ?

What’s your equanimity quotient? Take the test.

Answer the following questions honestly, giving responses that reflect the truth about you right now. Although you might make a different choice than any of those offered below, for purposes of this test you have only three options. Select the one closest to what you would do at this moment in time.

Part A

You’re running late for an interview. A driver cuts you off as you’re trying to change lanes. You would

(A) tell yourself it will probably make less than a minute’s difference in your arrival time; (B) mutter an expletive; (C) make a rude gesture, clearly visible to the other driver.