Moving Back in With the Folks?
Moving back in with parents—whether it happens hard on the heels of college graduation or after crushing reversals in the so-called prime of life—can be like walking into a minefield for all concerned. Especially in the depths of a recession.
In times past, chances were that parents who provided havens for boomerang kids were relatively secure, established in careers or enjoying a comfortable retirement. As we all know, that’s often not so today.
If you’re moving in with your parents, you may be joining a household already reeling from lost jobs, dashed retirement dreams, threatened home foreclosure, crushing credit card debt or some combination thereof. If there are health issues compounded by lack of insurance, the situation will be immeasurably worse.
(If—and this seems to be happening more frequently these days—your parents are moving in with you instead of the other way around, there’s the added stress of an awkward role reversal.)
Much of the advice of late has been directed at parents: how to set limits, negotiate more adult relationships with offspring, clarify expectations. The fact is, however, that it’s not just the parents who are responsible for making this work. You are the most important component in the success or failure of the venture.
Here’s the paramount point: Always, always, always keep in mind the difference between your experience and your parents’. If your parents were
- born in the sixties, they can remember a time without cell phones, post-it notes, video games, home computers, or MRI’s; they can probably remember President Nixon’s resignation and the end of the Vietnam War
- born in the fifties, they can remember a time without ATM’s, permanent press fabric, handheld calculators, and a dishwasher in every kitchen; they can probably remember the assassination of President Kennedy and man’s first walk on the moon
- born in the forties, they can remember a time without color television, credit cards, super glue, bar codes, Teflon, or a black box flight recorder; they can probably remember the growth of the civil rights movement and the Russians’ launch of Sputnik 1, the first man-made satellite to orbit the earth
- born in the thirties, they can remember a time without silly putty, aerosol spray cans, slinkies, Velcro, Frisbees, and juke boxes; they can probably remember the end of World War II and the dropping of atom bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki
Like you, they will be influenced by their histories in the way they handle money, what they consider necessities, how they use leisure time, and their beliefs about the three R’s—religion, responsibility, and relationships.
To make your cohabitation work, you need to . . .
- Be sensitive to the way differences in your histories color your attitudes, interest, expectations, and life style.
- Communicate. Be upfront about what’s going on with you. What’s your financial situation? What’s your plan of action? How long do you plan to stay?
- Come to an understanding about payment of rent and stick to the agreement. If, at some point, you’re unable to meet your obligations, discuss that with your parents. Don’t just stop paying.
- Act like a grown-up. Clean up after yourself. Ask what you can do to help with home repairs, painting, and yard work in addition to helping with routine cooking, cleaning, and laundry.
- Tell them “thanks” once in awhile. Don’t assume they know you appreciate their help.
- Ask for advice only if you really want to hear what they have to say. If you know you’re unlikely to take their advice, introduce the discussion with something like . . . “I don’t know what I’ll ultimately decide to do, but I’ve just been wondering what you would do if you were in my situation” or words that that effect. (Avoid “What do you think I should do,” or even worse, “What should I do” beginnings. Those imply that you’re likely to do what they suggest.)
- Establish some rules of the road. Are you going to function as a family in the traditional sense (dinner together, everyone knowing what the others have on the schedules, for instance) or will you simply be housemates, sharing living space but going your own ways?
- Treat parents (and any others in the household) the way you want them to treat you. If you treat them with respect, chances are they’ll do the same for you—and if they don’t, you’re on the high ground when it’s time to talk about it.
- Finally, keep your sense of humor and help others do the same. Laugh, most importantly, at yourself.
When the going gets tough—and, inevitably, it will from time to time—try to remember that, as the saying goes, “this, too, shall pass.” Meanwhile, this may be a unique opportunity to get to know your parents as adults and create memories that will last a lifetime.
Healthy Words
Talking about upsetting events typically helps reduce our anguish and improve our mental health. Over the years, we’ve also learned that mental health profoundly affects our physical well-being. It’s the old mind-body connection.
In one study, James W. Pennebaker, a University of Texas researcher, asked a group of people who were recovering from serious illness or emotional trauma to engage in a series of writing exercises. He then analyzed the connection between their writing and their improvement in physical or mental health. He discovered, among other things, that
- Writers who used causal words (like because or effect) showed improvement in their conditions superior to those who didn’t attempt to analyze what had happened
- Writers whose condition was improving tended to use fewer first-person pronouns (I, we) as the study progressed.
Since then, Pennebaker has been analyzing verbal communication in detail to determine what can be learned by looking at every word an individual uses. In order to meet the demands of such research, he developed a software program, Linguistic Inquiry and Word Count (LIWC).
Now, you can get an analysis of your own word usage by going to his website and clicking on “Explorations into Language.” There you will be able to access activities which will give you some insight into your use of language, albeit with the caveat that, in effect, you might want to take these insights with a grain of salt.
